This may be totally different than where you're coming from with this, but I had a similar experience. In my case I entertained the idea that maybe there was a space for gay people to be okay with God, you know? I have always struggled with how they fit into the church, and was lucky enough to work with someone who was part of the LGBTQ community AND was a biblical scholar, and I asked the question--how do they reconcile some of the rather clearly damning passages against homosexuality? They explained that there is reason to believe that the "sexual immorality" translations were rooted more in pedophilia than simply gay relationships. I still struggle with how it fits around the whole one man-one woman thing fits as that's pretty clear, but it was enough to make me stop and say, "What if it's not the impossible sin everyone seems to think it is?" God is just bigger than that--he has to be. I truly believe that for some people (not all), it was not a choice (too many sad stories of the consequences of praying the gay away when it didn't work and people lost hope), and I can't accept God would allow them to be that way, predestined for hell unless they did impossible mental gymnastics or spent their entire life in a special brand of misery. There has to me more too it, and I feel He's just fancy enough to have a way to make all of that work, even if I don't understand it. From that acknowledgement on, I may still sit sort of weirdly stuck with a lot of questions, but I DO NOT want to ever be a hindrance to people finding God, so I will not be putting on my judgy pants under any circumstances. I believe that God's laws (the less clear ones, anyway) generally only apply to believers--or at least, it's not my place to say you're going to hell. I'd rather love you, show you there's more to the faith, and let God confront you in His own way once you're there. Me starting with the fire and brimstone isn't going to get you to that point, ever, so I'm not going there. I will lead with love, follow the greatest commandment, and that's where I sit. It's obviously way more complicated than that, but that's the short version. But I couldn't get there until I entertained the idea that my feeble brain was no match for God's ways. And really--I had to get to that point before my faith imploded due to too many questions, hypocrisies, etc. Faith is so HARD sometimes. I admire your faithfulness to keep pursuing no matter how twisted a path it feels.
This may be totally different than where you're coming from with this, but I had a similar experience. In my case I entertained the idea that maybe there was a space for gay people to be okay with God, you know? I have always struggled with how they fit into the church, and was lucky enough to work with someone who was part of the LGBTQ community AND was a biblical scholar, and I asked the question--how do they reconcile some of the rather clearly damning passages against homosexuality? They explained that there is reason to believe that the "sexual immorality" translations were rooted more in pedophilia than simply gay relationships. I still struggle with how it fits around the whole one man-one woman thing fits as that's pretty clear, but it was enough to make me stop and say, "What if it's not the impossible sin everyone seems to think it is?" God is just bigger than that--he has to be. I truly believe that for some people (not all), it was not a choice (too many sad stories of the consequences of praying the gay away when it didn't work and people lost hope), and I can't accept God would allow them to be that way, predestined for hell unless they did impossible mental gymnastics or spent their entire life in a special brand of misery. There has to me more too it, and I feel He's just fancy enough to have a way to make all of that work, even if I don't understand it. From that acknowledgement on, I may still sit sort of weirdly stuck with a lot of questions, but I DO NOT want to ever be a hindrance to people finding God, so I will not be putting on my judgy pants under any circumstances. I believe that God's laws (the less clear ones, anyway) generally only apply to believers--or at least, it's not my place to say you're going to hell. I'd rather love you, show you there's more to the faith, and let God confront you in His own way once you're there. Me starting with the fire and brimstone isn't going to get you to that point, ever, so I'm not going there. I will lead with love, follow the greatest commandment, and that's where I sit. It's obviously way more complicated than that, but that's the short version. But I couldn't get there until I entertained the idea that my feeble brain was no match for God's ways. And really--I had to get to that point before my faith imploded due to too many questions, hypocrisies, etc. Faith is so HARD sometimes. I admire your faithfulness to keep pursuing no matter how twisted a path it feels.