When I was in ministry I used to stand in front of the church and speak words into a microphone that I hadn’t written out beforehand. I’m not sure how I did this - my hope is that it was God doing the talking, not me. I’m remembering one of the things I said in that space. I was talking about my own disbelief, my own tendency to brush aside the wonders of God. I was telling the people who came that night about a friend of my mother’s who had received unexpected healing and how I internally rolled my eyes when the friend credited God. Here I was, a leader in a healing ministry, expressing disbelief. I told the people that in that moment, I heard God say, “Why not me? Why not? What would it be like for you to even entertain the idea that it could be me?”
It was a humbling moment and ever since I have tried to Entertain The Idea. Not just in healing, but in all areas of my disbelief. When I entertain the idea I am not committing, I am not vowing, I am not even really doing, I am simply practicing. Trying it out. Seeing what it’s like. Entertaining the idea.
These days I am realizing that, for me at least, entertaining the idea is the first step to belief. That belief is not necessarily going to come naturally or easily, especially if I have spent years or an entire lifetime believing something else. When you are that rooted in a belief that no longer strikes you as true, you can’t just break up with it and take on the new belief like a Love Island bombshell who marched in and caught your eye. You have to let go of all the other stuff and the first step, for me, is to entertain the idea that something else could be true.
Right now I am working through my beliefs about what it means to be Good. Where did these beliefs come from? What does being good mean to me? What does it get me? What am I afraid of if I am not good? Do the beliefs that rule my actions actually produce something good? What IS good?
Do you ever have a flash of clarity about who you are and who you are supposed to be? Sometimes I have these flashes and I see myself exhilarated, joyful, present, hilarious, bright, shiny, bursting with ideas and creativity. In that flash I think to myself that is the real you!!! I grasp for her but she disappears the second I think but I can’t be her. I can’t be her because she doesn’t care what people think. She doesn’t worry about how her movements in the world might affect others. She just… moves. I can’t be her because I’m afraid of what people think and I’m afraid of how choosing myself and who I am supposed to be might affect my husband, my kids, my family, my friends. Choosing myself isn’t Good. Not adhering to expectations isn’t Good.
I am trying to entertain the idea that being that girl - hey, I’m turning 45 in a few days, but whatever - is the actual good thing. The goodness in me, the good I could bring to the world, just Good. Entertaining the idea that being that girl is good - the most good - for the people around me. I haven’t really needed to deconstruct my spirituality and experience of church, but lately I see the need to deconstruct my ideas about what makes me Good. They are getting in the way of the fullness of who I am with God.
Choosing myself for the sake of choosing myself is one thing. Choosing the fullness of who I am while in alignment with the Creator… I mean, that has to be the most most good, right? I am thinking about it, I am toying, I am entertaining the idea.
This may be totally different than where you're coming from with this, but I had a similar experience. In my case I entertained the idea that maybe there was a space for gay people to be okay with God, you know? I have always struggled with how they fit into the church, and was lucky enough to work with someone who was part of the LGBTQ community AND was a biblical scholar, and I asked the question--how do they reconcile some of the rather clearly damning passages against homosexuality? They explained that there is reason to believe that the "sexual immorality" translations were rooted more in pedophilia than simply gay relationships. I still struggle with how it fits around the whole one man-one woman thing fits as that's pretty clear, but it was enough to make me stop and say, "What if it's not the impossible sin everyone seems to think it is?" God is just bigger than that--he has to be. I truly believe that for some people (not all), it was not a choice (too many sad stories of the consequences of praying the gay away when it didn't work and people lost hope), and I can't accept God would allow them to be that way, predestined for hell unless they did impossible mental gymnastics or spent their entire life in a special brand of misery. There has to me more too it, and I feel He's just fancy enough to have a way to make all of that work, even if I don't understand it. From that acknowledgement on, I may still sit sort of weirdly stuck with a lot of questions, but I DO NOT want to ever be a hindrance to people finding God, so I will not be putting on my judgy pants under any circumstances. I believe that God's laws (the less clear ones, anyway) generally only apply to believers--or at least, it's not my place to say you're going to hell. I'd rather love you, show you there's more to the faith, and let God confront you in His own way once you're there. Me starting with the fire and brimstone isn't going to get you to that point, ever, so I'm not going there. I will lead with love, follow the greatest commandment, and that's where I sit. It's obviously way more complicated than that, but that's the short version. But I couldn't get there until I entertained the idea that my feeble brain was no match for God's ways. And really--I had to get to that point before my faith imploded due to too many questions, hypocrisies, etc. Faith is so HARD sometimes. I admire your faithfulness to keep pursuing no matter how twisted a path it feels.